teamnessie

...has been pretty freaking awesome. First of all I'm going to be a paid research assistant working on a NASA grant! whaaaaaaaaaaat?! It's been months and I still can't get over that, and I can't wait to start in August (and possibly be listed as the first author of a published paper of our findings). Speaking of published, I'm also going to be a published poet which are two words I never thought I'd say. It's also my senior freaking year of college and I cannot wait to graduate summa cum laude with a major and minor that I love. Although the summer started off pretty awful with a terrible car accident totaling my car the day before my birthday, I'm alive and I couldn't be happier about that. Joe and I are greater than ever, and hopefully if all pans out well with a job, after graduation we'll move in together. I really cannot wait for this semester to start (so excited to be living with Liz and much, much closer to Joe), but I also really want to fast forward to graduation so my life can actually start (but let's be real, I'll probably go straight to grad school). But all I truly want right now is for summer to drag out as long as possible, because this has been the most intense summer ever and I don't want it to end. 

I hate how self conscious I feel. I absolutely hate it. Ive always been pretty self conscious, but never to the extent I've been feeling for the past year. I get a 4.0, not good enough. I get a 4.13, still not good enough. I don't feel smart or like I've accomplished anything or like anyone even cares. I just feel like its still not good enough. And my looks- god my looks. I've been working out and eating a lot better and I weigh the least I've weighed since I was 14; I probably look better than I think I ever have but it doesn't matter. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. It disgusts me. And I worry all the time that I don't look good enough for him, that he's going to find someone better, that I'm not enough for him. And he's never ever given me a reason to think that; he's been faithful as far as I know, which is a first for me. But he could do so so much better- he could have anyone. And I get scared that he's figured that out. We hardly spend any time alone, we're always with his family or at the mall-never by ourselves. And I love his family, and they love me, but I really want to be alone with him sometimes. It just seems like he doesn't want to be alone with me, I don't feel like he wants me with him. I just feel annoying. And I feel ugly and unwanted. Feeling unwanted is the thing I hate the most. I feel so useless, like he doesn't want me there, like I'm being kept at arms length as much as possible. This was one of my concerns about coming home for break- that he'd see me and spend time with me and realize how much better he can do.

It's like I still didn't believe it was actually going to happen until now. $5,000 gone, assuring my attendance for the next semester, which means I can't back out now.

You'd think having panic attacks almost every night for the past month would have made it seem real, but I guess not. Now, with only eleven days left, I'm terrified.

I'm incredibly overwhelmed; there's still so much to do and buy and pack. 
I'm so nervous; worried about all my classes and making friends and whether or not I'll want to make friends with my growing social anxiety.
And I'm absolutely dreading leaving him. Besides being my rock, the only thing that keeps me sane and happy, he's like a part of me that I'm so scared to leave behind. He's literally my only friend and the only person I've talked to the past three months besides my family and people I tutor. He doesn't know it, but he's the only reason I'm still breathing. I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle all this without him. I don't know what I'll do when I can't just crawl into his arms after a bad day. When I can't just relax with him or adventure to random places to get my mind off of things. I know we've spent time apart while he's away at school, but for some reason it feels worse now that I'm going away. Like I'm choosing to be away from him, although I would never do that. I'm so worried that I'll never get to see him; that he won't be able to visit me or won't want to.

I'm just freaking out and it's eating me alive. Only eleven more days till I'm all alone.

thinking about scanning all the crap i've drawn recently but its all on lined paper cuz i doodle in class. maybe i will, maybe i won't. but i've been thinking about this for a while now and never got around to it, so i shouldn't promise anything. maybe putting this on here will make me feel obligated to scan them... we'll see.
so much shit to do, though. maybe after finals.